|Celluloid image of hapless volunteer.|
It is taking me a lifetime to know myself, to realize that when a person or circumstance is a poor fit, there may be no fault. That I do have strong friendships and enjoy company of my choosing may keep me from being a true loner or it may not. I was comfortable and happy teaching rubber stamping techniques. I enjoyed traveling about and the people I met were grand - store owners and students. The same is true for store demonstrations where thinking on my feet, spontaneity, improvisation and doing more than one thing at a time was required. The hidden portion of the iceberg that is prep time was what eventually wore me down. Showing up was the easier, more fun part. If a crowd gathered outside my door in the next ten minutes wanting to be shown color pencil shading, I could do that and enjoy it. I would decline an invitation to teach anywhere at some future time, knowing the stress of sample-making, kit compiling and organizing materials would grind me to a nervous nub.
What opened the creaking door to these thoughts was Monday's brief post about the rain and my realization that one of the things I loved about that weather, when I didn't need to be out in it, was how is placed me in a small circle of self with everything else separate and beyond the rain. While I lead what can only be called a very quiet life, there are further degrees of stillness, the rain's gift. One March (that could have been February) afternoon was enough. It brought restoration of a sort that ordinary contemplation doesn't offer. While the storm could not end California's drought, it gave me needed disengagement, it filled my well.